she didn't love him
by darlingdearestdoll
Summary: but he did. – hikaharu


**Rated: T because even I – the author – am not completely comfortable with this one-shot; and to possible OOC-ness.**

 **Summary:** She didn't love him.

 **Author's Note:** Yes, I'm still stuck with the _I /still/ love you_ quote TT^TT Yes, I'm _still_ writing HikaHaru. Great. Now look how my life is ruined by this ship. I'm _wayyyyy_ too into this for my own goods.

 **Disclaimer: I asked Bisco Hatori for HikaHaru once and look where it got me… :v The song lyrics aren't mine. They belong to their respective owners as well as translators. I don't own anything, or making any monetary out of this. This is only for fun.**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

He had imagined himself to be shell-shocked. To be heartbroken. Translucent like those tears Milord like to shed so much.

Instead, he only smiled so sadly. Tasting the melancholy leaking onto his soul. Hearing the doors that had too long holding his world, his emotions inside to cry and bend under the weight, crushing and hurting. Incinerating it to pieces and bits, stomping and scattering the remnants in the wind.

 _She didn't love him._

 _[He knew, he knew, he knew.]_

She loved Milord. It was too obvious to ignore. She needed a prince, who could save her from those nightmares occupying her dreams every thunderstorms, she needed a loving person who was elegant and oh, he needed to love her, love her dearly and treasured her feelings. Saved her from herself, saved her from those tragedies plaguing her dreams and childhood so often. So often, so often, _too_ often.

 _She didn't love him._

His eyes were honey-colored. Hair a deep shade of sunset color. Lips that only over smiled widely from ear to ear and a scar so hurt lying underneath his every fiber. Words spilling out are honest, brutally honest, soaked with every of his emotions and feelings.

But in her dream – and even though she didn't know it yet – the one Haruhi desired so much had crystalline amethyst eyes and hair of golden sunshine, so bright so beautiful so caring, loved her – loved her – loved her. Everything she had ever wanted. Everyone knew, everyone and anyone looked at the sight of those two interacting would said so. Everyone knew.

 _[He knew, he knew, he knew.]_

He stared at the mirror and wished – to be able to be her knight in shining armor.

 _(_ _Am I not enough for you?_ _)_

 _She didn't love him._

She wavered those words towards him like silk, slick and smooth, and he knew immediately that those words were honest, so honest. Too honest. Brutally so.

Hikaru should be glad. At least she wasn't playing with his emotions – even just out of sympathy or guilt.

He should be glad. She looked at him sadly – she couldn't help him with this – she never could – she would never be able to, not truly, at least.

Haruhi walked away quietly.

He should appreciate her understanding gesture, her thoughtfulness – to give him time to mend his heart.

But in the moment, it only served to carve in his eyes a wicked, cruel truth.

 _She didn't love him_.

* * *

 **I watched your back as you turned**

 **And walked away without a word.**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

The silence was deafening in his ears, reverberating the sound of his world crumbling apart, down from its axis; and only the night sky was there to witness him.

* * *

 **The quiet seems so loud when**

 **You're alone.**

* * *

Oh, but oh, it wouldn't be right to break down and cry in front of her. He was the devil twin for her, a dearest best friend. ( _and that was all he would ever be_ , she smiled so innocently) He didn't have the right to do so, did he?

Hikaru swallowed back a cry.

 _[Don't go, don't go, please stay with me –]_

* * *

 **I turned my back to you and just started walking**

 **I have to go before I shed a tear**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

It would be selfish of him to force his decision on her, wouldn't it?

 _She didn't love him._

But he did. He did. Painfully so. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.

 _She didn't love him._

Not like the way he did, anyway. He knew he was precious to her, just like everyone in the host club – yes, even like the Shadow King. She didn't. She didn't love her. Not like the way he wished her to be.

 _She didn't love him._

His brother looked at him sadly. Hikaru felt guilt crawling up his throat so bitter. He owed it to Kaoru. His twin had given up the love he had for Haruhi – only for him to waste away the ever hard sacrifice that – even though he kept insisting on claiming it a "no big deal" - must have ripped his heart out (too).

 _She didn't love him._

And maybe he would be washed off this… _thing_ later. After all, it was no big deal. Maybe a crush on a girl who was so different from the others. Everyone has crushes, right? He would recover. He would be able to forget her and move on.

Right?

[If only that was true.]

 _She didn't love him._

And he shouldn't have, either.

 _She didn't love him._

She was Cinderella and Cinderella belonged to Prince – ah, what was his name again?

She was Cinderella and even in cinder, Cinderella was out of reach – he was her mouse, her best friend, but never, never the Prince.

(Is the pumpkin carriage late, Cinderella?)

 _She didn't love him._

But he loved her. Naively, painfully, whole-heartedly. For a very long time that he couldn't even remember anymore. He loved her as a friend and as a very important person. Because she was different from the rest. Where everyone couldn't even tell the twins apart, she did so easily ans gracefully. Where they failed to see the two as two individuals and not one. The way she looked at him – so closely and caring and him. Just him. He is just Hikaru to her. Not Kaoru, not 'the twin', not Hitachiin. And oh, how he loved her smile – her face – her voice – her.

She was flawed – oblivious, impossibly oblivious. She had a childish fear of thunder and being so realistic. Practical. But that only made him love her all the more. So different. So interesting.

So human.

So loving. So _lovely_.

He just wanted to see those smiles. Not for anyone, for him, only for him. Just him alone.

 _I want to let you cry, I want to let you smile,_

 _Not just for anyone, only for me,_

 _Ah, if just for now, please…_

 _Only for me…_

 _Cry? Smile? Get angry? More…_

 _She didn't love him._

He laughed. He danced. He flirted with other girls.

He waited and waited and longed for her face to show any jealousy, any tiny little hope for him – that it wasn't over yet – that he had a chance – but it never came. She tiled her head so cutely and watched curiously.

Haruhi didn't notice.

 _She didn't love him._

Tono ran to him immediately when he arrived. Worry crushed and clouded his eyes. He asked, numerous questions after question. He paid no heeds to the fact that himself was stuck and worn out by the snowstorm too.

And this, too, was the guy who had cracked the doors to his tiny world open, even if just a little.

Hikaru was suddenly guilty.

 _She didn't love him._

Tamaki and Haruhi. So perfect together.

 _[Am I not enough for you?]_

 _She didn't love him._

But he did. He did. He did. He does.

He loved her – the girl who had find a way to his heart. And he could never undo those feelings. No matter how hard he wished to. No matter how he had planned them all out – the dream of a future, with her hand in his, fitting so snugly; with an apartment and a wedding ring and tranquil, quiet nights with her steady heartbeat lulling him to sleep. How lovely. How perfect. How impossible.

 _You can't do anything else but touch this heart, mine, my Cinderella._

 _She didn't love him._

The realization was suffocating.

* * *

 **Bluffing that I had let go of my ideal future**

 **An irretrievable wish**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

For a moment, every facade slowly dampened, and underneath them all, was just a boy. Begging to tear.

Light flickered on his feature, he touched his face in disbelief; no, he wasn't so vulnerable like this.

 _She didn't love him._

Because she had her prince, her other half. He saw it, saw it with his own eyes, the way she gently embrace Tamaki when said guy threw himself at her. The way she blushed so prettily. Her soft expression in those eyes and a radiant smile so bright it hurt.

Those moments felt like forever.

It hurt like forever too.

* * *

 **The gap inside my heart widens**

 **It feels so long, a mere minute and second**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

He couldn't – wouldn't – force her too.

He loved her too much to do that.

 _She didn't love him._

The illusion was nice, though. To have someone who missed him, needed him, singled him out.

 _She didn't love him._

And he couldn't tell her to. Tamaki and Haruhi were family – like Mori-senpai, Honey-senpai and of course, Kaoru – a family he had never had. He couldn't afford to lose it.

 _She didn't love him._

If only he could spend eternity with her.

* * *

 **Am I a fool to even dream?**

 **Could this world be that terrible to me?**

* * *

 _She didn't love him._

He wanted to regret loving her. Because if life had ever taught him anything at all, it was that love was dangerous and heart-breaking. He had trusted the nanny, years ago; had thought that she cared enough to love them.

Look where that got them.

 _You are repeating the same mistake all over again_ , he wanted to tell himself.

 _She didn't love him._

Never did, never does, never will.

With her dream coming true, what would she ever ask for again?

 _She didn't love him._

But it was so nice a dream that he didn't want to wake up from.

 _She didn't love him._

So he let her go. He loved her smile so much, _too_ much to dampen it with his desire. She was important, important, important.

The day their hearts glowed and joined and danced was the day his wept and cried.

 _She didn't love him._

Never did, never does, never will.

 _She didn't love him._

He was so sure of that, so certain. Even though his heart broke with every words, he believed it with every inch of his being.

 _[I just happened to linger there – my existence to you, my dear, will soon disappear from everything you remember.]_

She didn't love him.

He knew, he knew, he knew.

And yet, still foolishly burnt himself.

* * *

 **I dream all by myself again**

 **The dreams that follow your memories.**

* * *

Haruhi loved Tamaki. Everything left was for those two to overcome their own stupidity – or obliviousness – and be together. Hikaru was the third wheel.

Because she loved Milord as much as Hikaru loved her. And there was nothing he could do to her. He would never have her. She would never sway.

 _[He knew, he knew,_ _ **he knew**_ _]_

 _She didn't love him._

How foolish could it be to love someone who would never love you back?

 _She didn't love him._

It was all his mistake. To love her. All his fault. No-one but him and him alone.

He didn't – couldn't – wouldn't – regret it.

 _[I have sinned so much that I can't keep track,_

 _One is that I touched your hand_

 _And another that I tried to gently live and breathe alongside you.]_

 _She didn't love him._

"Haruhi, I love you. But that's okay, I'm over it. That's why you must tell Milord that you love him!"

 _[Ah, what a liar.]_

 _She didn't love him._

"Time to go, Cinderella. Your prince is waiting."

 _She didn't love him._

A moth to light. That he was.

Addicted to love and pain.

 _She didn't love him._

"That's okay. I will get over her. Right? It will end all soon, don't worry. I'm alright. Right? Right?"

It sounded less and less convincing everytime repeated.

Kaoru shook his head.

 _She didn't love him._

"What did you just say?"

She smiled at him sadly. She didn't want to leave her friends behind, he knew. A single, white lily was place in her dainty fingers and tears that were never shed flooded her eyes.

From above them, the sky cried.

"I will miss you, Hikaru." – She said simply, earnest words too beautiful and natural; and it was just him, Hikaru – not the beginning end of a noun, not a twin, an individual in his own rights.

* * *

And it was then that Hikaru knew he would be cursed to love her for the rest of his life.

* * *

The white lily was cradled in his arms so gently.

His statement stumbled out easily. Like it had bit sitting there, waiting for the time to escape.

Standing in the airport as her plane became a small dot on crystal blue sky, he whispered quietly, his eyes lidded and words breezed before dissolving into glittery stardust.

* * *

 _[_ _ **I /still/ love you.**_ _]_

* * *

Yeah. That came out wrong. I don't know why, but this seems horrible to me…

"Why did you still post it if it's that bad?", you may ask, and I can only say it's because I need to attribute something to the HikaHaru fandom. If I didn't, the ship might be extinct soon at this rate XD Seriously… Am I the only one shipping this nowaday? XD

Anyway, review it, please. Pretty pretty please? Please? So I can stop being so horrible at writing? :3


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